When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of exams and my results. My dad used to be really strict with this, mainly when it’s that time of the month to get the report card signed. In school I used to be afraid of the bullies and my teachers, of been asked questions and told that I’m not smart enough. Of being told I’m different, I look unusual and I don’t fit in as I had a turban.
When I was a teenager I used to be afraid of failing, thinking what will I be doing as an adult, which college or education path would I choose, what am I good at or what do others think of my choices? I used to be envious of my friends, family and relatives who made me feel inadequate, the responsibility of a son and being a man in society.
When I was in my twenties, I used to be stressed of living that dream, what will my future be, how would I earn that money to be successful and happy, fear of my relationship, a social circle reminding mw that I’m not good enough and not fitting in. Questioning my own reflection that has been created by society.
When I was in my thirties, I was working of maintaining my social status, too make my parents proud, wories of my future that was about money, materials, comsuming and paying those bills. Pretending to be a good employee and becoming that man they wanted me to be, conditoned into my corporate status, afraid of not reaching that big goals I set onto myself, that job title that I always wanted, enough money to pay off my credit card debts and what society may think of me now.
These emotions that started at a very young age put me into spiral, I always felt something was not right, living a pretentious life, a bubble of egos and always questioning the future. It then created a person who kept working harder to fulfil dreams of others and satisfying what others told me to be.
I made choices about my life based on these fears and advise from those I looked up to. Afraid of not being part of ‘them’. An ego that made me into a man who become depressed with his own life.
So much has changed since then, in late 2012, something shifted in me, I decide to quit being part of that life, left my home to travel across different countries, as a photographer and maybe in search of myself again. That was the new dream.
Today, I am not afraid anymore. I decided to give up on many things. I choose to change my way of life and thinking. I cannot change what others think about me, but I choose my life first. To live. To explore. Even though it was a selfish choice, even though at that time I disappointment many, I choose to be free from this bubble.
I surrendered into making mistakes and being happy that I did. I am only a imperfect human, and a full proof plan to be happy in this time of age does not exist. I do not need to be part of something which is created based on materialistic goals or superficial conditions.
I’m not thinking of the future anymore as only I decide what it means, others do not choose that for me. My passion does, my love for exploring, nature, meditation and photography does. I’ve learned from my past, as I am only existing in my present time and my future does not exist. The best way to understand this was to let go of everything I thought I ever knew. I had my own mantra of life by now, “I know nothing”.
Traveling, exploring different regions and being away from the routine of society has thought me that fear does not need to control us or even exist in the presence. It was all just an illusion, a one sided story or a mental concept, to keep us as working objects or within a group mentality. So it’s easy to forget or brush aside that we are all truly creative beings who have dreams, desires and a deep passion for something more.
With some sacrifices, we can let go of all the pain and suffering, the anger, the expectations can be left far behind, as everyone is going through the same life today, as we are all part of this universe. We need to find our own path first, no matter what is may seem to be as we have been given this one precious life. It’s a special time now of our existence to explore who we can be to the fullest. With love for nature, passion for life and desire for the present moments.
In darkness or light, good or bad, we have to accept all of it, as it teaches us about the unknown self. Once we have discovered our true self, once we have experienced a rebirth of our spirit, which may take a few years, only then everything around us will fall on it’s own balance. It is a truly magical journey and as cliche as it may sound, it’s true.
